Quick jokes and things

Has anybody ever tried to eat their spirit animal?

Attack Cat

I came home to visit my family for the next week. That however is not important what is important is the family's cat. When we first bought the cat I thought it would be awesome to train my little kitten to attack people. Fast forward six months later my cat developed a glandular problem and became the size of a small dog. Now every time I wake up in the morning the cat is lying right next to me waiting for any sudden movement. Then I open my eyes and I'm running through my room fighting my cat yup that is my weekend hurray.

Its the third post hump and this is the point that I usually give up on blogs and do more productive tasks like jogging or mullet wrestling.

My answers to philosophical questions

Q: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
A:Canada

Q:Does the pope shit in the woods?
A:Only on XMAS?

Q:If a tree falls in the woods and nobody can hear it, does it make a sound?
A:Fuck yeah

Time machine

I want to go back in time and visit my ten year old self.

10 year old me: wow your me from the future
20year old me: wow this is awesome
10: so what are you up to?
20: Im going to art school
10: what are you shitting me, what happened to our plan to become a doctor and cure cancer.
20: I got bored with that idea.
10: youve doomed us all.

Then 40 year old me appears in another time machine

40: Greeting I have good news you have actually manged to cure cancer with your art!
20:HA!

Then 80 year old me appears in another time machine

80: Dear god I had it all wrong your art has created super cancer

End

My roomate and other things

Nobody wants to hear you complain even when its super important. My roommate snoars so bad I'm starting to think that he is doing it on purpose, (SURPRISE I Tricked You) Sometimes I wish I could customize my snoring into horrible war music that would be awesome. If you could go back in time to meet the younger version of yourself would you do it? Im not talking about your five year old self. Im talking more like your middle school or "junior high" (for you french people) younger selves. It would be awesome my 13 year old self would be coming out of another crappy gym class when blam TIME MACHINE. He would be like you actually lose your virginity before your 20 wow that is awesome. You have a drivers liscense and you can play the guitar awesome. Wait your telling me you decided to become an animation major in college instead of becoming a doctor what is wrong with you. At this point I would stick my younger self in a trash can and pick up a case of crystal pepsi because I am awesome.

Things not to say on the first date and other thingys about love

1. Oh! Is that what your wearing
   
2. You smell like my Mom
3. Do you like basements and custom vans?
4. I booked us a sweet table at chuck e cheese
   
5. Lets make a baby, we shall name him Garth Brooks!
   

Most holidays have their opposite holiday. For example Christmas has Hanuka and Halloween has Arbor day. My question is what is the opposite of Valentines day. It would have to be a holiday based on hate and vegetables. You know that in elementary schools kids have to give everybody a valentines card. When did this happen, what is this communist Russia. When I was a kid I probably got two cards and one was from my mom. But keep in mind that my valentines card box was my Halloween pumpkin. Every class party I would just decide to celebrate like it was Halloween. My classmates would be like whys Grant dressed like a Vampire demanding candy and the teacher would be like oh is it arbor day today.